Being transformed day by day

I just wish you don't matter that much to me.

Then it would've been easier for me to just move on with my own life and give you space and not mind the fact that you don't even say a word to me. Well, you do. Like 2 sentences. And most of these words are: please forgive me.

It's hard to not have a substantial conversation with you anymore. Because I got used to having long conversations with you and talking to you over the phone and texting and emailing etc.

But since you asked for space and stressed out that you wanted it so much--that you had to say it harshly to me, well then, I'll give it to you. No matter how hard it will be for me.

People have given me advice on this, that God wanted us to be apart so that I can be dependent more on him rather than be dependent on any of my friends. Our God is a jealous God. I know that if this is a normal conversation, especially if it's a normal ym conversation, you'd blurt out your observations without regard to how I would feel if you said those words, because you'd think I so NEED to hear those words. That the tables have turned, or that God's teaching me

something or whatever. And that you're not rubbing it in, you're just stating your observations.

Well, intentional or not, you WERE rubbing it in...

You want to know why it hurts so much? You want to know why you matter so much?

Because I have shared my heart and soul to you. No not in the lover sense--but as a friend. The only other persons I have shared my heart and soul to aside from my family were my closest, and I mean closest friends. And one of them drifted apart with no reason.

It's like a part of me died. And it hurts really bad that I don't think I'd want to open up to anyone anymore. It hurts so bad that I don't think I'd like to share my heart and soul to another person anymore. It hurts so bad that I almost gave up on everything. It was like a part of me was torn forcibly away from me.

Exag? Well that's how I feel. I don't know if you're going to approach me the logical way again, or preach to me all the things that "I need to hear" so I'd wake up. But my feelings are valid.

There's no such thing as feelings that are not valid.

Even if I have forgiven you, even if I have given you up to God, it somehow still hurts. There is more peace in my heart sure, but somehow, it still hurts.

It's so hard. I wish you knew how hard it is. Then you'd understand me.