Hurting
Dear Lord,
Sige fine, she "deserves" it. She's so much better in seeking You or something, she looks prettier, she's much more desirable, she's much more that material she kldbjkSAD:Cfsdkjbs sooo deserves it.
I'm so tired of hurting Lord.
Will You ever remember me? Will Your eyes be on me regarding this matter? Or will I keep on just longing and waiting and never have anything, anyone? I know Lord, You are faithful, but in this matter, it's soooo difficult for me to say "You are my portion, You are my lot."
Masakit na masakit ang puso ko Lord. I didn't want to like him, but here I am, admitting that I did---and I wanted to get out of this. He said He's just waiting for that time for You to give him the go signal for her again?AWSLNBKAFWSFGNLKERSLDF/ASJDFHDSKFL
I am again, just your mere instrument. I always am anyway. Instrument to keep his spirits up while waiting for her. Instrument to test her so she will depend on You.
And my heart just hurts so bad Lord. I said I don't want to get hurt in this area anymore, yet You keep allowing it. Maybe, it's also a consequence, letting myself believe that I can guard my heart and think I can think of him as just my best friend, my brother and nothing else.
Will You ever heal my heart? Will You ever restore it? I know, I get it. You're the only one that satisfies. But why is it that every time my heart is okay and content in You, something/someone comes along and I just end up getting hurt? I'm tired Lord. I'm tired of this cycle. I'm tired of these mistakes. I'm tired Lord.
Will You ever look to me with favor on this area? Lord, I do my best to look to You regarding this matter, I do my best to be intimate with You like all the other women, but Lord, where is Your favor? Why do You allow me to get through this pain?
And Lord, this one is the most painful, next to the one with 6 years ago.Or maybe even worse.
It seems I haven't learned my lesson, except I have learned to control my temper a bit. I know what the lesson is, ulit ulit lang talaga ako Lord. Tama na! Tama na po. Kuha ko na po. Tama na po talaga.
Ka-office ko pa siya, ka building. What's even more hurtful is once You give him the go signal, makakalimutan nanaman ako.
Please, please remember me o God. Tell me that You love me, remember me O Lord. I don't want to continue hurting anymore. Lord please.
Difficulty
I just wish you don't matter that much to me.
Then it would've been easier for me to just move on with my own life and give you space and not mind the fact that you don't even say a word to me. Well, you do. Like 2 sentences. And most of these words are: please forgive me.
It's hard to not have a substantial conversation with you anymore. Because I got used to having long conversations with you and talking to you over the phone and texting and emailing etc.
But since you asked for space and stressed out that you wanted it so much--that you had to say it harshly to me, well then, I'll give it to you. No matter how hard it will be for me.
People have given me advice on this, that God wanted us to be apart so that I can be dependent more on him rather than be dependent on any of my friends. Our God is a jealous God. I know that if this is a normal conversation, especially if it's a normal ym conversation, you'd blurt out your observations without regard to how I would feel if you said those words, because you'd think I so NEED to hear those words. That the tables have turned, or that God's teaching me
something or whatever. And that you're not rubbing it in, you're just stating your observations.
Well, intentional or not, you WERE rubbing it in...
You want to know why it hurts so much? You want to know why you matter so much?
Because I have shared my heart and soul to you. No not in the lover sense--but as a friend. The only other persons I have shared my heart and soul to aside from my family were my closest, and I mean closest friends. And one of them drifted apart with no reason.
It's like a part of me died. And it hurts really bad that I don't think I'd want to open up to anyone anymore. It hurts so bad that I don't think I'd like to share my heart and soul to another person anymore. It hurts so bad that I almost gave up on everything. It was like a part of me was torn forcibly away from me.
Exag? Well that's how I feel. I don't know if you're going to approach me the logical way again, or preach to me all the things that "I need to hear" so I'd wake up. But my feelings are valid.
There's no such thing as feelings that are not valid.
Even if I have forgiven you, even if I have given you up to God, it somehow still hurts. There is more peace in my heart sure, but somehow, it still hurts.
It's so hard. I wish you knew how hard it is. Then you'd understand me.
To the Lord
Do you really shed tears when I get hurt? Do You really understand me Lord? Do You really send me angels when I need comfort? Because right now, I don't feel it Lord. I'm so tired of hurting. You give and take away, but You keep taking away my friends: my d12, Camille, Daniel and now Zeus. I want to quit making friends. I want to quit opening up to anyone anymore. Kayo lang talaga ang permanente.
Are You even real Lord? I know You are. But I pray that You would make Yourself even more real.
A letter not sent
Dear friend,
It has been around a month after that time since you have found out. That month was a painful and tiring month. Our expectations of each other were too high and so chaos was the result. We would fight and become friends again and get into each other's nerves again the next day.
Until we started not talking to each other. That was sort of planned and coincidental at the same time. I was glad we did give each other space because I was able to think more clearly and I was able to forgive your shortcomings.
And then we talked about it one tuesday morning, and I was so happy with the result because everything seemed to be all and well-you even accompanied me going home. I was glad because maybe, the clean slate thing is happening finally.
What bothers me though, is how you have been brushing me off lately. I really don't know if you still want space but I have a feeling that you really don't want to be a good friend anymore. *sigh* I wish it was easier. It would've been okay... if only you didn't matter that much to me. But you do, especially because of everything that we've been through. And if you're willing to throw that all away---I cannot stop you. Just don't leave me hanging, waiting, hoping that our friendship can still be saved.
Go find another close friend. Perhaps that person will match you more than I will, because we really clash. Honestly, it hurts me to see you sort of look for a replacement for me. I know I shouldn't, that I should be happy for you because you're finally finding friends that will keep you in a bubble of happiness and comfort you when you're sad and all that, and give you positive energy and so much encouragement.
Siguro I gave you that much negative energy noh? If you think I've got so much negative energy around me, then I'll stop being around you, I'll stop pestering you in all ways possible. I'll even find other close friends to be with, but none of them, can ever replace you.
Just don't leave me hanging. Don't keep brushing me off, not thinking that it will affect me, or I'll just get the hint one of these days. Because it hurts terribly. Maybe I shouldn't expect anymore, maybe I should just try to forget that we became close friends...
So it Begins
So it begins.
The silent journey without you. This time, God initiated it I guess, as I couldn't break myself away from you. I can sort of tell you're having a hard time too. So GOD took the initiative. He spoke to both you and me. And yeah so it begins.
Not like I can't live without you. I can, because God's grace is sufficient for me. He is helping me let go of you, surrender you to Him, so I can focus on You. No, He's not asking me to completely let go of you as a friend. You get it.
I know He's molding you too. I know he's fixing up your life. So I have to let Him work in you first. I do not want to hinder His work in you. I do not want to be your stumbling block. So I will have to give way. It's God you know :))
But I know it's going to be for our good. I don't think we'll end up together--if we will---that's another story altogether. According to God's will. We've got a long way to go---well at least for me, I've got a long way to go. God is still writing our separate love stories. If our stories intertwine---God will reveal it in time.
But right now it doesn't matter. It's about our individual, separate journey with God. I want you to focus on Him and His agenda for you. That's the same thing that I will be doing.
So it begins. It's going to be hard, but I know it will be exciting.
I don't want to dance
I don't think I'm ready. I have a lot to learn, a lot to fix in my life. I cannot be forced to dance, because I am still afraid, still restricted. I might just step on your foot, might just bump into you. I would probably just be stubborn and not follow your steps. Be patient with me. I cannot dance until I am ready.
I give up
AYOKO NA. QUIT CONFUSING ME. I HATE THIS.
I give up trying to 'un-confuse' myself with your actions.
I give up trying to know what's on your mind.
I give up trying to decipher your intentions.
I give up. Ayoko na talaga, I really give up.
I give up struggling with my feelings.
I give up. I give it up all to GOD.
Basta ako, magffocus nalang ako sa KANYA.
Sorry ka nalang kung magwithdraw ako. Baka totohanin ko na.
Musings from the heart
I am not your lifesaver.
You speak of men’s need to be saved as if your lives depended on us. You write of how every little compliment, every encouragement, every smile and ever kind act of virtue we do, lighten up your day and affect your very being.
It does flatter us women, to know that we are needed and thought about; to know that we are appreciated for how God created us and how He’s been working in us. It especially flatters us women, to know that we somehow save you from your daily troubles because the cliché was that our kind always needed saving.
Just one question, what do you need saving from?
It scares me to think that we sometimes become your source of strength. Sure, God created us to be ezer kenegdos—helpers against you, to correspond to your strengths and responsibilities. However, when this goes to the extreme, it alarms me to think that I have been your source of encouragement.
What if we commit mistakes? What if we disappoint you? What shall happen? Shall you move on and keep a straight face and harden your spirit again and outwardly say ‘I am strong’? Shall it crumble your world? That shouldn’t be the case.
Your REAL lifesaver is God. We women, are mere instruments of His grace and his love. We should not be your source of strength. Sure, perhaps we do inspire you in one way or another, but then again, bring it back to God. He IS the one you should focus on.
