Difficulty
I just wish you don't matter that much to me.
Then it would've been easier for me to just move on with my own life and give you space and not mind the fact that you don't even say a word to me. Well, you do. Like 2 sentences. And most of these words are: please forgive me.
It's hard to not have a substantial conversation with you anymore. Because I got used to having long conversations with you and talking to you over the phone and texting and emailing etc.
But since you asked for space and stressed out that you wanted it so much--that you had to say it harshly to me, well then, I'll give it to you. No matter how hard it will be for me.
People have given me advice on this, that God wanted us to be apart so that I can be dependent more on him rather than be dependent on any of my friends. Our God is a jealous God. I know that if this is a normal conversation, especially if it's a normal ym conversation, you'd blurt out your observations without regard to how I would feel if you said those words, because you'd think I so NEED to hear those words. That the tables have turned, or that God's teaching me
something or whatever. And that you're not rubbing it in, you're just stating your observations.
Well, intentional or not, you WERE rubbing it in...
You want to know why it hurts so much? You want to know why you matter so much?
Because I have shared my heart and soul to you. No not in the lover sense--but as a friend. The only other persons I have shared my heart and soul to aside from my family were my closest, and I mean closest friends. And one of them drifted apart with no reason.
It's like a part of me died. And it hurts really bad that I don't think I'd want to open up to anyone anymore. It hurts so bad that I don't think I'd like to share my heart and soul to another person anymore. It hurts so bad that I almost gave up on everything. It was like a part of me was torn forcibly away from me.
Exag? Well that's how I feel. I don't know if you're going to approach me the logical way again, or preach to me all the things that "I need to hear" so I'd wake up. But my feelings are valid.
There's no such thing as feelings that are not valid.
Even if I have forgiven you, even if I have given you up to God, it somehow still hurts. There is more peace in my heart sure, but somehow, it still hurts.
It's so hard. I wish you knew how hard it is. Then you'd understand me.
To the Lord
Do you really shed tears when I get hurt? Do You really understand me Lord? Do You really send me angels when I need comfort? Because right now, I don't feel it Lord. I'm so tired of hurting. You give and take away, but You keep taking away my friends: my d12, Camille, Daniel and now Zeus. I want to quit making friends. I want to quit opening up to anyone anymore. Kayo lang talaga ang permanente.
Are You even real Lord? I know You are. But I pray that You would make Yourself even more real.
A letter not sent
Dear friend,
It has been around a month after that time since you have found out. That month was a painful and tiring month. Our expectations of each other were too high and so chaos was the result. We would fight and become friends again and get into each other's nerves again the next day.
Until we started not talking to each other. That was sort of planned and coincidental at the same time. I was glad we did give each other space because I was able to think more clearly and I was able to forgive your shortcomings.
And then we talked about it one tuesday morning, and I was so happy with the result because everything seemed to be all and well-you even accompanied me going home. I was glad because maybe, the clean slate thing is happening finally.
What bothers me though, is how you have been brushing me off lately. I really don't know if you still want space but I have a feeling that you really don't want to be a good friend anymore. *sigh* I wish it was easier. It would've been okay... if only you didn't matter that much to me. But you do, especially because of everything that we've been through. And if you're willing to throw that all away---I cannot stop you. Just don't leave me hanging, waiting, hoping that our friendship can still be saved.
Go find another close friend. Perhaps that person will match you more than I will, because we really clash. Honestly, it hurts me to see you sort of look for a replacement for me. I know I shouldn't, that I should be happy for you because you're finally finding friends that will keep you in a bubble of happiness and comfort you when you're sad and all that, and give you positive energy and so much encouragement.
Siguro I gave you that much negative energy noh? If you think I've got so much negative energy around me, then I'll stop being around you, I'll stop pestering you in all ways possible. I'll even find other close friends to be with, but none of them, can ever replace you.
Just don't leave me hanging. Don't keep brushing me off, not thinking that it will affect me, or I'll just get the hint one of these days. Because it hurts terribly. Maybe I shouldn't expect anymore, maybe I should just try to forget that we became close friends...
